It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
