I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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