my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
