I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
