I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so let's talk penis.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
