If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
