I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
