It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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