I am puke
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
