What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
