Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
