I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
