I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
