Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
