I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
