he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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