mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
