life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
