Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
