i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
