It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
