ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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