It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
