there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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