dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize