I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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