When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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