Your face is a jimmy john
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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