i wish my penis had a tongue
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
