Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
