is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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