Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
