I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
