This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
