god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
