when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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