How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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