Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
