my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
