I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
