I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
