did you get engaged???
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
