u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
