4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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