his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
