Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
