my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
