I met the friendliest cop last night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
