got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
