woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Found your dick twin last night
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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