Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
