Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
