I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
