My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
