how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
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There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dick very happy bro
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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