Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i love accidental penises.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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