good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
