I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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