I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
