i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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