turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
