i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
