I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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